Monday, April 12, 2010

Crosseyed and Painless

Last Friday night I was supposed to go see Sleigh Bells with my mom. I had the sitter. I had tickets waiting for us at the Will Call. But I'd had a migraine for three of the past four straight days, so I decided to skip the show.

I had a vision of my name on the list. The last name on the list that hadn't been crossed out. This isn't the first time I'd done this and our concert scene is tiny, so I thought, "what if people start recognizing my name as the person who never picks up her tickets."

It was pretty easy to dismiss that thought, but it reminded me of another list that my name is still on. The list for people who don't know what they want to be when they grow up. An Ivy League education is like buying an advance ticket on the rest of your life and I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in my graduating class still waiting to pick up my ticket. Just as I really wanted to see Sleigh Bells, but I didn't want to stand for several hours, sit through a lousy opening band (or two), and leave the house around the time I normally go to bed, I am deeply ambivalent about the work world. The longer I stay out the harder it will be to go back, yet unless something wonderful landed in my lap, I don't think I want to go back right now. I realize that's not a very good attitude to have.

I've recently discussed looking for work with a few of the people closest to me. The discussion alone was enough to throw me into a complete tizzy. And it didn't make things any clearer to me about what I should do next.

I think David Byrne said it best on "Crosseyed and Painless":

I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting
The feeling returns whenever we close out eyes
Lifting my head, looking around inside
The island of doubt, it's like the taste of medicine
Working by hindsight, got the message from the oxygen
I'm making a list, find the cost of opportunity
Doing it right (Right), right, facts are useless in emergencies
The feeling returns, whenever we close our eyes
Lifting my head, looking around inside
Facts are simple and facts are straight
Facts are lazy and facts are late
Facts all come with points of view
Facts don't do what I want them to
Facts just twist the truth around
Facts are living turned inside out
Facts are getting the best of them
I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting
I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting
I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting
I'm still waiting, I'm still waiting, (Thank you) I'm still waiting, (We like to thank our crew) I'm still waiting


J Frank Parnell said...

I've always told my wife: if she doubles her salary (we make roughly the same) and wants me to quit and take care of the kids full-time, she can name the day and consider it done. Yet, if your family needs the money, it's smart and perfectly excellent to go back. But if you can live on one parent's income, it's useful to perform the following measure, immediately: watch "Office Space" three times in two days. Repeat. Then volunteer at a food bank or shelter, if need be. Fight the Power if finances aren't an issue.

kagemom69 said...

I too, am on that list. And considering the recent events of my life over the last 3 years, you'd think that I would have felt an urgency to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I think maybe its time to face the fact that you have already found what you are supposed to be. And you do it well. You my dear are the ever coveted, never duplicated, original - MOM.

ek said...

I get migranes thinking about work, wondering all the time, "why?"