Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Time out of mind

So tomorrow Lucy starts Kindergarten and while I'm hoping it will be a fresh start for me I know it's unrealistic to think that six free hours a day will turn me back into the bright-eyed, fast-thinking person I once was. Is it too much to hope that I'll stop getting stupider with each passing year?

Some things will definitely change, like having to type with the TV on. As I type this Lucy is watching some atrocious Nick Jr. show with young adults doing hip-hop in animal costumes; it's a little distracting. I do hope that having a break from direct childcare will free my mind to think about other things, such as what kind of work I might enjoy, or whether six hours a day, 10 months a year is even a realistic framework to pursue meaningful work.

I feel poised for change in a few other ways too. Venus is going on an indefinite hiatus (sigh), so I'll be spending less time writing and interviewing in the near future. Plus I've recently connected/re-connected with some friends (thanks, Facebook) which makes my social and musical life in Buffalo feel more complete. I suspect the next six years here will look quite different than the first six, and I'm happy about that.

I doubt Lucy will have the difficulties with school that Henry has had. She makes friends easily and already knows more kids than he did at the end of first grade. I also know that we won't be on auto-pilot. While Henry took easily to academics, I will be surprised if this is true for Lucy as well. I think she will be stunned by the amount of work her teacher expects her to do.

She still needs me now, so completely. She still cheers when I tell her that I'm going to get her dressed (which means I'll stand there and supervise for the sake of expediency). At the moment she's whining for me to join her saying, "I just want you." She just wants me to sit on the couch and watch crappy kids TV and hold her hand. And I'd be lying if I said I won't miss it that. But I'd be lying if I didn't also admit that it needs to end.

6 comments:

Danny said...

Sounds like you're on the cusp of a pretty big life change! Here's hoping for the best. I'm sure it's going to be a good transition, though. There's something wonderful (and a little scary) about not knowing exactly what comes next.

ek said...

Hang in there Em. Change is good.

kagemom69 said...

Ek is right....it will be an interesting year for ALL of you - but one that we will get through together - because once again I too will be childfree (WOO HOO!!!! was that outloud?). Did it once before and it was wonderful and then started over again with Jake and got to reconnect with you!!

Maura said...

Don't worry, she'll still want you to watch TV with her (if Gus is any indication since it shows no sign of ending with him anytime soon). :)

Susan said...

One of the hardest things about parenting is the complex and often conflicting emotions. It amazes me how much I can love them - I would lay down my life to protect them - but at the same time I often feel desperate for a piece of me to call my very own.

Your year will be great, but also different. It's hard to let go, but also very exciting to see how they change.

It's been 9 years since you've had more than 2 hours in one stretch to think!!! (I'm just a little bit jealous...)

Auntly H said...

I can't offer any personal thoughts on parental transitions, but The Yarn Harlot wrote about one this week. http://www.yarnharlot.ca/blog/archives/2009/08/31/a_problem_in_the_wiring.html

Good luck reacquainting with your grown-up brain. I feel like I'm losing mine most days so if you figure out where they go to hide, could you fill me in?